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Life after divorce: become finally free!

March 14 2005

Divorce - it's always stressful. But what would have been your emotions right now you will get a unique chance to start a new life. How to set yourself for happiness? Period of life after a divorce happens, and a long and painful. Lost self-confidence - because you are rejected (rejected). Stifles consciousness of inferiority - in fact used to consider themselves as part of your overall whole, and can hardly imagine myself in the singular. Painful sometimes even the disappointment in marriage, which ended in disaster, and yet perceived as a real value ... State of depression after a divorce - a natural and inevitable stage. Who do I need? How to live now? Smile any more luck?

Oddly enough, the answer to these questions can be positive. It will take time, patience and genuine effort. To get started you need to become "a full loner" in his own eyes. It is not easy. But if you try and include positive thinking, the results do not wait long, and you appreciate them.

"Anyone who has experienced a break in relations, has experienced the pain and destructive emotions - writes marriage counselor Christina Bassiano, author of" The gap relationships: how to survive »(Christina Basciano, Relationship Breakdown: A Survival Guide). - Gradually, however, we come to ourselves and begin to build a new life on the ashes of the old. We develop new qualities that make our personality in many ways unrecognizable. " This is achieved if after the divorce a man begins to really control my life (now this was possible) and does not give pain to bend it to the ground. You can do what you want. You can be whatever you want. You can finally realize the potential that the long rushes out.

But even more surprising that increased your ability to charm people and make new stories, stronger and more vibrant than the former failed. Why? Because, being "at will" and maximize the benefits of a new life, you no longer hide the many facets of his personality, which is still hidden deep inside. It does not matter if the new love is not met immediately. As a minimum, you have appeared qualitatively new relations, and not only because of changing lifestyles. Simply, people appreciated the "real you".

Rupture of relations and the subsequent period of solitude should become a new stage of your break. Suddenly, "had fallen" Freedom is calling you to appear before the world in new colors. Plus, now you're free in his actions, and evaluating all the move, saying to himself: "I did what I wanted and so he wanted to."

Here are some expert observations and advice to divorced people of both sexes.

Dr. David Wiley (David Whealey), Club "Divorcees Anonymous, Toronto:

"You finally have the opportunity to do that before did not allow the family circumstances. Many people, having experienced the pain of divorce seriously take up a career or even start a new one, make new hobby. Many are new interests. At this new stage of life possible serious personal growth. "

Therapist Debra Burrell (Debra Burrell), New York:

"Frankly, what kind of things you often say to myself. And remember that the thought "I'm too old" or "Who needs me after everything that happened to me, will not be allowed to move forward. Cultivate a positive attitude towards life, and then, believe me, good to happen. "

Doctor of Psychology Uiyner Jamie (Jamie Weiner), Chicago:
"The period after the divorce should be a time for you in-depth study of himself.You should reconsider many things: friendships, job satisfaction, and serious consideration - that you really like and do not like in love and marital relations. "

Therapists Robert Alberti and Bruce Fisher in his book "Restoration. When the relationship ended »(Robert Alberti, Bruce Fisher, Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends) write:" To be alone was socially acceptable. Generation or two ago it was perceived by society very differently, for singles looking as foolish, frustrated people. In the same direction, which gave way to widespread stereotypes about unmarried, and you personally have to revise their attitude to him, once left alone. Yes, your social status has changed, changed life in general. But major changes must occur in the mind. Loneliness can be a productive and happy experience, even if this wish. "

Many people are surprised to discover that life after divorce is not so monstrous, as presented in the first hours, days and months. On the contrary! - It has many advantages. This is most acutely perceived by those whose marriage has been a failure, as well as people who are married are not able to implement something important to them. Only now it is possible to live a full life.

No one argues that unmarried, in principle, happily married (and what a "good thing will not be called marriage," as the Russian proverb bachelor). However, since not all alliances are good. In the air, other couples spilled violence, others have not adjusted the "balance of power between spouses. Often, family life is committed boredom bytovuhoy, dull routine.

But that's all over. Now, before each of the former spouses stand three basic life tasks:

1. searching and finding themselves in a radically new circumstances;

2. correct "use of" free time, which is now the coach - in any case, the recent head of the family;

3. adjusted life-year based on new interests, new career, and in general of a new era in your yard.
Was married - he knew exactly where your place in the world, even if perceived this as a punishment cell. The walls of the cooler suddenly collapsed, and - where am I? Who am I? why live? Now it is important you feel the simple idea: an alliance collapsed was yours. Now suppose that there is no alliance, but still have you, and you continue to exist as an individual in the new circumstances. "The day when you were divorced - this is the day that you pass a test on the topic" Who am I "- writes the author of the bestseller" The happiness of being unmarried "Ernie Zelinski (Ernie Zelinsky, Joy of Not Being Married). - Awareness of the benefits holostyachestva begins with an understanding of the important things: what I feel - feel and appreciate it just me, and not a fact that one head is good, two is better. "

This is the first step: to learn to be "in itself". It's not that "by itself" will you better take care of themselves, sometimes quite the opposite. Now you must try to understand himself better. Only in solitude, is not associated with heavy chains with another person, you can deeply examine their needs, their desires, their affection, dreams and life goals.

A leading American expert in the field of marriage and family doctor of psychology Harville Hendrix (Harville Hendrix) believes that man by nature is programmed to family life, and the fundamental human need for love and personal development to the end is met only in marriage. Nevertheless, it is positively related to holostyachestvu.According to Dr. Hendrix, bachelor life - a lot of progress, if a starting point to take a popular style among the people, in English called a multiple partnership, which in Russian is equivalent vyzheniyu "right and left." And on top of the hierarchy of styles is still a monogamous family. However,: "Loneliness is an important milestone on your way to this maturity, the time the study themselves, their strengths and weaknesses, their desires and aspirations - Harville Hendrix writes in the book" Keeping the newfound love »(Keeping the Love You Find). - Single life has become a proving ground of future marriage. "

In many cultures, early marriages are a tradition (in Russia as well). How to write Fisher and Alberti, often young people are moving from home straight to double, without even thinking that someone somewhere may be single and still be happy. " Meanwhile, many people (if not most) need long-term experience bachelor life before marriage. Was done on not at liberty as long as you measure out, you risk to bestow its half as "dowry" that collapsed the family. In these cases, after the divorce is meaningful not only to return to previous activities (walk, lads!), But to continue self-examination, as a young man interrupted the wedding march.

"A lot of divorced or widowed people - wrote Dr. Hendrix - do what they should have done before marriage: living alone, find an individual rhythm of life, enter into love affairs with different people, to discuss personal problems with a therapist, acquire new friends and interests - in other words, explore the world, the people themselves ... Suppose that it is more characteristic of youth who thus learns to find answers to the questions "Who am I," "what makes me unique," etc. But if you're divorced, then return to the previous experiments is not too late at any age. "

For those who intends to marry or at least seriously with someone cohabit, it is necessary to collect a database of object. With this, it seems, no one disputes. Divorced? - Gather as much information about yourself. "What's my rush?" "What do I need for happiness?" "What I hate?" "That is prepared to tolerate?" "What I'm stupid?" And so on. Responding to questions, try to be honest - no one will hear. By the way, the answers may even surprise you! For every person weighs not only the atmospheric column weighing twelve tons. Most of us are under such a strong influence of family, friends, teachers, bosses, societal norms, etc., that even mentally say to yourself the truth - sometimes worth the effort.

Following the indisputable advantage of post-marital life style is spare time (as already mentioned, especially for the stronger sex). Make it work for you! And even more widely - please use to the fullest the most new-found freedom. "Soaked through the maximum juice out of his new position - advises Ernie Zelinski. - To fill a life of contrasts, adventure, risk and holidays. So now you can live without thinking about what someone does not like. " You wanted to go abroad, but your half afraid of airplanes, could not take along with you, leave, or simply not wanted. Now you are free - in flight! Years was about to start writing an exciting book, and lacked ideas, and texture, but that's not allowed to family circumstances. Sit down and write today!

Your possibilities are limited only in your mind, is still "marriage." You can finally finish college, you go to a nearby bar when you want, you can enroll in evening courses, you can go all night, flirt with anyone, anywhere. Leisure time gives freedom of action.

And at home?No one takes a bath, do not smoke expels the stairs, you quietly eat in bed and watch TV until the morning. You choose the furniture, food, drinks, clothing. Your former by the court took all that bad lay - let it be! At least now your money to dispose of you, but it is not at par with the mother-in.

Freedom turns his head? Fear of losing touch with reality. Nobody can abolish your duties as a parent, an employee as someone who cares about their health and well-being. Not've done stupid things. If the family because of you lot have decided, or were always able to fix something to prompt, now you have to learn to do everything myself - and the more you make, the more you accumulate experience. However, in order not to be trapped, it is better first to discuss planned with a friend, whose practicality you can not doubt it.

In general, the main thing - do not fall into extremes. Do not jump into bed with each (if a woman - each)! Do not overeat! Do not litter the money! Well, please do not get completely drunk! Do not "stuff" to work! All this is so stupid and harmful, as room howling at the moon about the bygone family. Just the other side of the Medal of despair. "

Thus, a divorce - not the end of life. It could be the beginning of a fundamentally new life cycle, already at the start of which you learn new ways, exploring new possibilities opened up, and, apparently, is radically changing myself. Transformed from a chrysalis into a butterfly.


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