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Hollywood Noodles: A Guide to Movie

June 30 2006
18:29

American movies are good by the fact that during the most intense episode, you can safely go to the bathroom or get a beer from the fridge. Cues and acting heroes are usually predictable at 99,9%.

Film critics and film fans were short guide to Hollywood action movies . It has its own laws that govern all characters and items.

Action Hero never committed to a healthy lifestyle. He may be psychotic, drunk, drug addict, but none of the inherent negative qualities will not affect its ability to destroy enemies, or reveal their evil plans. If he divorced his wife, you can be sure by the end of the movie they will be together again. If only his wife did not kill criminals or she did not committed suicide.

The hero never sleeps, does not wear glasses and has a mystical ability to turn on the TV at a time when there is transfer of vital significance to him the news.

He has a heavy burden - he is forced to constantly go jokes. In the mandatory character jokes in the following cases: when chasing someone or yourself get away from his pursuers, when enemies are chained him with handcuffs and was about to fall drive circular saw. Once someone dunk, he would come to him and say, for example, the phrase: "Taste my shit." To his friends, or friend, who from the terrible pain the whole body is shaking and my head is like a split watermelon, after they were hit by a bazooka, he sympathetically probe: "Are you okay?"

Kids in action movies are immortal. They are killed only in melodramas and horror films. They can easily find common language with maniacs and sometimes re-educated "bad guys". Ideally, if the companion of the hero becomes a boy - preferably representative of the ethnic minorities. It will help to find a way out of the very confused situation and the effect upon mired in depression and binge protagonist.

Women, it seems, are not sleeping. Throughout the night, they combed or put on the face makeup. Suddenly awakened by a phone call or an invasion of strangers, they will look like Centerfolds. Fleeing from enemies, the queen must fall. Fleeing from pursuing her killer on the machine, lady will always run ahead of the car strictly on the center roadway, as if the streets are no side streets or she is absolutely not come to mind.

Animals are always more love to the mistress of the hero than his own. At positive characters are likely to live disgusting creatures - reptiles, some iguanas or forever ssuschiesya dogs. Do villains - birds, cats and levretki, furious with the exception of guard dogs, guarding their houses. Heads of crime syndicates had a passion for exotic fish. Under no circumstances will the hero does not have to kill our "little brothers. But to shoot an aquarium with piranhas - his sacred duty.

Journalists are complete cretins, at best - haunting cynics with bad manners.

The villains often speak in English with a German accent. Again like the Nazis wanted to conquer the whole world. They can easily be cut down, causing a blow to the groin or head. If the leaders of the underworld does not stand on ceremony with his assistants, shooting without warning at fault, then the hero of humanism they show a high standard. After securing a positive character in their paws, the villain is committed to devote to the details of his plan, and then discreetly leave the hero was able to escape.

Article, if the hero for a few minutes ohazhivayut baseball bat, iron bar or something similar, do not worry. He is the only benefit. And when he finally do away with the main villain, he's sure to rise again and unsuccessfully tries to finish off a positive guy.

Sheriffs are always extremely irritable and on duty constantly yelling at the hero when he tries to make a noble deed. In the right place at the police come after the end shootout.

Incidentally, any character, tasting coffee from a vending machine should certainly grimaced and announce that the drink gives shit.

All of the computers, without exception, are interconnected, so that the hero climbs easily to any of them. Sometimes, this delicate work is attributed to a woman or African American. In order to crack the code, if and only dial "access to all classified files. If, however, require a password - any at the moment and becoming a hacker hacks into any defense in minutes. Sometimes, the account goes on second. Password guessing it exactly on the third attempt - neither more nor less. If the PC fails - then a few seconds, he explodes.

Explosives necessarily equipped with a colorful electronic board on which the figures count the remaining time before the explosion. Typically, this thing produces a loud squeak - probably to them easier to detect. When bomb disposal are the original rules. The hero proceeds to mine when the explosion before there remains one (maximum two) minutes. To pass the time, he can confess his companion in love, or tell mate that he was actually a great guy. Usually the wires to be cut for the convenience of different colors.

Cars Never run the first time, especially when you want from someone slip away. They are not locked, they can get into any accident, when deadly race around there will be no single cop and not a good citizen is not nastuchit spidogonschikov to the police. Perhaps our American colleagues cops are afraid to get shot, not a well-deserved reward for the prevention of accidents.

If an attacker will spoil the brakes, the hero learns about it at the last moment, when will call on top of a high mountain. When you place it never use hand brake. Apparently bought the rights, and to ride and not bought. Miracles of dexterity and akrobatizma show pedestrians. And the Pioneers, and retirees, and perhaps even people with disabilities, who run away when a racing full steam machines, be sure to arriving on the sidewalk in pursuit. When all the riders still forced to return to the road, there will be a couple of carefully carrying across glass or buggy, filled with some rubbish.

Alexander Zotov

Константин Дятлов

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